Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
