Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
