he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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