so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
