Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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