Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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