I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
