Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And then my night got REAL pukey
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize