Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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