it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
