I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
