dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
