giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
