Umm I'm too high to move.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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