I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
