The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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