I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
