i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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