Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
