I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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