just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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