Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
