I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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