I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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