Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
