Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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