Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
