Apparently you make a good broom.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
