I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
