Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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