Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she told me i tasted like america
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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