it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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