So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
