i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
