I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
