I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
