you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
