he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
