halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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