I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
