There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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