dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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