I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
