My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize