I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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