Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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