My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
