I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dicks are not precious.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
