Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize