Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
