another moral hangover. fuck.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
