I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
