you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
