The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
