she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
