He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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