It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
