Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
